


Voyaging Shenanigans

by halcyonOvercast



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Fluff, Homestuck - Freeform, KINDNESS WHAT NOW, Language, Meteor, Multi, Shenanigans, Slice of Life, Trolls, eeehhh, i guess, i mean if your life is on a meteor with a bunch of aliens, light hearted
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-08
Updated: 2016-07-29
Packaged: 2018-07-22 00:53:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7412026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/halcyonOvercast/pseuds/halcyonOvercast
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A universe where all the beta kids and trolls are on the meteor and everybody is mysteriously alive(!!) With a safe life on the meteor for 3 years, things happen to ease everyone's boredom. So much shenanigans. All of the shenanigans.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Transfer, to the Beginning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lets see how this works out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the combination is complete *execute gundam sound fxs*

> Be John Egbert  
You are now JOHN EGBERT. You've woken up on your bed, in your room on the meteor. You wake up with a can-do attitude, as to what you're doing, you're not that sure. But whatever you're doing today, you can do it!

A week ago, you found Jade on the golden ship, her having ascended to the god tiers with dog ears and miniature(?) planets in tow.  
Excitedly, she exclaimed "Hey! John! Great timing! I found where the trolls and Dave and Rose are! I'm gonna bring us and the planets there, where we all are gonna go to te new universe!"  
To be honest, you didn't really catch what most of what she was saying. All you heard was Rose and Dave, and that sounded pretty good to you.  
As it turned out, everything turned out pretty great! Jade managed to get you, the planets, and a stray bucket(?), and even the golden ship to the meteor, where you met all the trolls and your friends. You and Jade zapped in a heap on the outer layer of the meteor, while the bucket flew into Karkat's face.

  
*zap* *bonk*

EB: oof  
GG: oof :p  
EB: hey!  
GG: hi karkat!  
CG: ARFGABSJSKNDMSMMSMNDNAMA  
TA: ahahahahahahahaha  
TG: yo john hey jade  
EB: hi dave!  
GG: dave!!  
TT: Why hello there.  
GA: You Two Must Be The John And Jade Rose Talks So Much About  
GG: yay, rose!! and... who...?  
EB: hi rose! and... ditto what jade said?  
TT: That's Kanaya. It seems you have quite a bit to catch up on...  
TA: ....holy jegu2 fuck, thii2 ii2 goiing to 2uck 2o bad  
TA: AA, 2top 2tariing at the 2tupiid 2un  
AA:  
CG:  
GA:  
EB: ...what's the problem?

Somehow you think you are missing something here.  


> Be Karkat Vantas

You can't be Karkat Vantas right now, as he is flipping the fuck out.

>Be Sollux Captor

You also can't be Sollux Captor, as he is busy being 200% done with this bullshit.

> Be Rose Lalonde

You suppose you can be Rose Lalonde.

You yourself have just ascended to god tier, after blowing up the green sun with Dave. Although, you fully expected to die in the action of doing so. Miraculously, you and Dave managed to die on your quest beds on Derse when the Green Sun blew up, and against all odds survive.

You suspect plot armor, but you're not really complaining here.

Anyway, it seems that John and Jade have managed to… zap themselves aboard the meteor? Into the universe you're currently in, of course. With the green sun annihilated in your universe and the scratch initiated, the universe closest by would seem like the most logical place to… zap into? 

Speaking of Jade, it seems that she has gone to speak to Dave and Karkat.

Seems like a good time as any to speak with John, who has gotten on his feet as well.

TT: Hello John.  
EB: hey rose!  
EB: uh... why’s Karkat flipping out over there again?  
EB: did we do something?  
TT: Well... Have any of the trolls told you about how they perceive buckets?  
EB: hmm... buckets? buckets buckets buckets...   
EB: uh... oh! oh! yea, Vriska mentioned it and Karkat i think mentioned it also...? aren’t buckets just where the baby is? not sure what their problem is with it, really.  
TT: ... Well, you’re part right, and part wrong.  
TT: It’s their equivalent to... hm... say, a used condom, John.  
TT: Trolls deposit their... genetic material in there.  
TT: Do you understand?  
EB: oh.   
EB: ooohh.  
EB: OOOOHHHHHHHHH-  
TT: You can stop now John.  
EB: eep. i didn’t really understand why it was so... disgusting for them? disturbing?   
EB: but i was just being culturally insensitive again, i guess…   
TT: It’s not that big of a problem anyway, John.  
TT: Actually, the fact that the bucket hit Karkat in the first place is quite humorous.  
EB: haha, i guess.   
EB: hopefully karkat won’t hate me or anything.  
GA: Karkat Expresses False Rage To Most People  
EB: oh! hi! rose said your name was… kanara?  
GA: Kanaya  
TT: Kanaya.

You didn’t notice Kanaya listening to you and John talk. You suppose it doesn’t matter, though, and is a good chance to introduce her either way. 

GA: Kanaya Maryam To Be Exact  
TT: Kanaya was my… patron troll? For most of the game.

You are contemplating whether the term “patron troll” is canonical or not. You decide it doesn’t matter at this point.

EB: well, hello kanaya! my name’s john egbert, if you didn’t catch that.  
GA: Pleased To Meet You John Egbert Human  
EB: likewise, kanaya maryam troll! hehe.  
EB: so, will karkat even do anything about this?  
GA: He May Go Through A Couple Of Mental Breakdowns  
GA: And May Be Traumatized  
GA: And In The End Will Probably Act Really Grumpy And Angry, Which Is To Say As Usual  
EB: hehe. Well, that’s good to hear i guess!  
TT: Anyway, let’s all head inside. It would be much warmer in there, at the least.  
EB: sure! it is kinda chilly out here, i guess. being in space and all, hehe.  
GA: I Can Bring You All To The Kitchen For Some Warm Beverages If You Wish  
EB: sounds great!

The three of you head for the stairs, as Kanaya leads you and John to the kitchen. 

> Be Dave Strider

What? You think you can just go and be the coolest kid in this universe? The only guy with the sick beats and ironic rhymes? 

Well, whatever. He’s gonna let it slide this time. Just don’t do it again. 

You are now Dave Strider.

You have just witnessed two of your best friends faceplant onto the meteor with their teleporty zappy powers. You have also seen Karkat get hit in the face with a bucket and then promptly flip the fuck out. It was pretty funny, but you didn’t laugh, gotta keep your cool factor up. You’re really surprised you managed to keep yourself from bursting out laughing.

Anyway, Jade looks like she just went… god tier? What’s with those dog ears? You guess that they don’t look that bad, really. Sollux is trying to get Aradia to stop looking at the green-ass sun. You really wonder what sort of fucked up physics results in a green-ass sun. You also decide it’s not really worth your time.

And here comes Jade. Wonder what she wants to talk about? 

GG: hi dave! :D  
TG: hey jade  
TG: what’s up  
GG: you know...   
TG: what  
GG the usual! :P  
TG: withholding crucial info from me huh jade  
TG: i get all the info in the end  
TG: just you watch  
GG: whatever!   
TG: anyway  
TG: you went god tier, but what’s with the ears  
GG: nope!  
TG: nope what  
GG: i didn’t go god tier  
TG: then what’s with your funky pajamas then  
GG: i went...  
TG: yes  
GG: dog tier! :D  
TG:  
TG: no jade  
GG: yes!  
TG: no  
GG: yes!  
TG: no  
GG: yes!  
TG: no  
GG: yes!  
TG: no  
GG: yes!  
TG: no  
GG: yes!  
TG: whatever  
GG: :D  
TG: also what are those bouncy balls you brought with you  
GG: they’re not bouncy balls! :P  
GG: they’re our planets!  
TG: and you felt obligated to bring them over to this universe why  
GG: it was my deal with echidna!   
GG: she basically gave me the frog i needed  
GG: and i had to bring all of the planets!  
TG: that’s a sucky deal if you ask me but whatever  
GG: hey! that frog was really hard to find!  
GG: and what’s karkat doing just lying around here?  
CG:  
CG: BLUH  
TG: let’s assume he’s dead  
TG: after listening to my ill beats  
TG: nah jk you hit him with a bucket  
TG: it was hella funny  
GG: um... did i do something wrong?   
TG: well  
TG: how’s this for an explanation  
TG: buckets = troll porn  
TG: another great analogy by yours truly  
GG: eep  
CG: ARRRGH  
GG: im so sorry karkat!!  
CG: BLUHBLUH  
GG: karkat wake up!! Please!!  
CG: RAAHHGHH  
GG: oh noooooo  
TG: ahahah  
TG: this guy  
TG: what are we gonna do with you  
CG: NOOOOOO  
GG: uh...   
TG: yeah i got a great idea let’s just drag him down to a bed  
TG: wherever beds are  
GG: hey! sollux!  
TA: yeah? what?  
GG: can you bring us to karkat’s room?  
TA: why? KK 2tiill fliipiing out over that bucket?  
GG: um... yea, basically...   
TA: sure. ju2t let me get AA.  
TA: great job, by the way. thiing2 liike that need to happen more often.  
TA: iim 2tiill laughiing over that, eheh.  
GG: it was an accident!  
TA: haha, 2ure, ok, let’2 go.  
TA: snap out of it AA, we’re going.  
TA: goddammiit.  
TG: karkatland, here we come

...and Sollux leads you down the stairs, and the three year voyage begins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey people! thanks for reading the first chapter of this crappy fanfic. it's my first fanfic, and any kind criticism is welcome and helpful! if there are any inconsistencies, just chalk it off to this whole thing being an AU :P im lazy, sue me. again, thanks for reading, and hope you stay!


	2. Karkat's Fricking Heavy Yo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which we all fuck with Karkat

CG: BLUH  
CG: BUH  
CG: ARH

You’ve refused to help Jade carry Karkat down the stairs. The little asshat can suck it, and besides, it’s a long way down. Plus, you bet the troll would enjoy the attention from Jade anyway. Karkat’s head is comically bouncing down the stairs, bumping up and down on repeat. Sollux also isn’t using his magic mind powers to carry Karkat, because he’s guiding a dumbstruck Aradia down a flight of stairs and “doesn’t want to waste his energy.” 

 

Can’t say you blame him, really.

 

A few minutes later, (how long is this fucking stairwell??) Jade drops Karkat.

 

GG: daaaaaave! C’mon, help me!  
TG: nah  
GG: daaaaveeee?  
TG: uh  
GG: daaaaaaaavvvveeeeeeeee  
TG: hey wait those aren’t puppy eyes are they  
GG: dddaaaaaaaavvvvvvvveeeeeeeeee  
TG: wait no stop  
GG: ddddddddaaaaaaaaaaaavvvvvvvvvveeeeeeee

 

How are you supposed to say no to those fucking eyes. Those big, puppy eyes. The answer. You can’t.

 

TG:   
TG: fine

 

You pick up Karkat’s bruised head and help Jade bring Karkat down the rest of the way. You take a chance to feel up his nubby horns. They’re more like candy corn, rather than the… carrot(?) shape of all of the other trolls. It’s smooth and hard, and pretty dull. Like tough plastic, you guess. 

You feel Karkat’s rough hair, too. It’s messy, and not one bit of his hair is smooth or soft at all. But it’s not necessarily dirty or greasy. What shampoo does this guy use? Wait, what the fuck are you doing. Why are you examining Karkat’s head like some creepy pedophile.

You don’t really know why. You decide to forget about it.

Shit. Your legs are getting tired. These stairs really need a slide. Damn, that’d be great, sliding down these fucking endless stairs. In fact, why haven’t they? It’s so stupid. Pretty sure they have the grist for it too. Pretty sure. You’ll ask Karkat later.

At the end of the stairs, you arrive in some sort of entrance hall, complete with coat hangers, closets, shoe closet, and the like. Seems like no one uses it, though. Pictures of naked... horse men?... are bolted to the walls. There’s lots of evidence of people attempting to pry them from the wall, scratches and cuts all around the paintings. No wonder this place is barren. 

 

There are sliding doors leading to the next room, which open up into an entrance room, again. It consists of a large sofa, a fireplace, tv, table, another large sofa, and interestingly, a large pile of medical supplies and first aid. Seems like not all excursions go smoothly. But if you were there, you’d kick ass without getting so much as a fucking scratch. That’s how badass you are. The badass. It’s you.

 

Anyway, Sollux is now carrying a sleeping Aradia on his back. When did she fall asleep? You’re pretty sure they’re fucking. Or at least are boyfriend girlfriend relationship. Somehow you get this vibe. You wonder, does anyone else feel this vibe? Does anyone else see what you see?

Probably not. These shades are magical.

 

Now you all enter a bigass heavy metal password protected door after a short hallway Freddy Krueger would haunt in your nightmares. If you had nightmares, that is. Who designed this hellhole? Anyway, the huge doors part after Sollux does something with the door, faster than you expected them to. Like, you think of those movies where the doors for some reason close really slowly and the hero makes it through the door, cause the idiot who designs these doors thought it was a great idea for them to close really slowly. 

Not these doors. These doors are actually pretty fast. Like sliding doors at grocery store fast. Not department sliding door fast, but grocery sliding door fast.

 

You enter a large, spacious room with a bunch of computers on the table that lines the wall, with a flat cylinder in the middle with some sort of satan summoning star in white.

 

TG: hey wait  
TG: is this where you guys contacted us 24/7  
TA: yeah  
TA: what of iit  
TG: i dunno but shouldnt more trolls be here or something  
GG: would there be?  
TA: actually, iit2 liike 3:30 am riight now.  
TA: only ii and AA are up at thii2 hour really.  
TA: waiit, that crazy motherfucker gamzee iis actually probably 2leepwalking around at thiis tiime two.  
GG: what?  
TG: who  
TA: our crazy clown juggalo guy.  
GG: who?  
TG: who  
TA: yeah fuckiing forget iit.  
TA: just follow me.

 

You watch Sollux as he steps on the satan summoning star. Wait, what?

 

TG: wait what don’t sacrifice yourself to satan man  
TG: that shit includes ripping out your internal organs  
TG: no stop what  
TA: wow youre 2tupiid

 

The pad flashes green, and Sollux and Aradia are gone. You slap yourself in both of your cheeks and wail ironically.

 

TG: noooooooooo  
GG: heehee!  
TG: what  
GG: dave youre so silly! :D  
TG: whats this now leet dude just sacrificed himself to satan in his green fire  
GG: dave!  
GG: thats a transportalizer pad! :D

 

Wow. You honestly feel really silly. Way to go, Dave. When Jade laughs at you for being silly, you know you messed up your image big time. Thank god you were doing it all ironically. Of course. Ironically.

 

TG: i totally knew that jade  
TG: but honestly what else could that be  
TG: it looked too much like hella satan would just like jump outta there you know  
TG: and then rawr no dave no jade no karkat  
TG: you know what will be on our graves  
TG: “killed by hella fucking satan”  
GG: hehe :)

 

Well, you get on the pad with Jade and unconscious Karkat, and the green flames of fucking hell envelop you and teleport you to a large, semi-spherical, dome sort of area. It looks like a training area, or maybe a place to hold a ball, or party. You suppose it’s all on how someone sees it, or decorates it. Someone probably will make use of this empty room eventually, you guess. 

You make a mental note to try to be the first to claim this territory.

 

Holy shit you’re tired. Jade looks worn out, too. How far is Karkat’s room?

 

You walk down another hallway (seriously what the fuck are with these hallways) and finally, you reach a living room of sorts. You’d guess it to be around a quarter of the dome, but it was still quite a big area. Guess that’s what you’d expect from a meteor. You notice that this room is basically covered in sofas and piles, and has a large TV and speakers. It seems as though this is a comfort area, and you’ll be making use of it as well.

 

You spot John, Rose, and the troll with the skirt on one of the sofas, drinking hot chocolate.

 

EB: hey dave!  
TG: yo damn i want some hot choco loco too  
TG: any chance i can get in on this shit  
GG: dave! D:  
TT: Anytime, dear brother. But you seem preoccupied?  
GG: you gotta help me lug karkat’s ass to his room!  
TG: but jade  
TG: this is hot chocolate  
TG: cocoa swiss miss fucking ghirardelli jade  
TG: and besides how many more fucking miles to karkat’s room anyway  
GG:  
GG: no! no no no  
GG: we need to get karkat to his room!  
TG: why not let him rest here  
TG: with the hot cocoa  
GG:  
GG: um...   
TG: well jade  
GG: ah... well...   
GG: dont you kinda want to see karkats room?  
TG: oooh i see what this is about  
TT: Wanting to see a boy’s room, Jade?  
GA: I Somehow Doubt There Is Anything Of Interest In Karkats Room  
EB: wow jade, growing up i see! :D  
GG: no! no no no! of course not! not like that!  
TG: mmhmm harley im sure  
TG: gonna get all hot and bothered in lil ol karkat heres room eh  
TT: It’s completely normal, Jade.  
EB: ehehe  
GG: argh!! forget it! just drop him here!  
TA: are you motherfuckers comiing or not???  
TA: jegu2 fuck.  
TG: hold the fuck up harley  
TG: now im interested  
EB: now that you mention it dave...  
TT: Actually, I’m quite interested now as well.  
GA: I Will Just Stay Here And Enjoy My Chocolate Beverage  
GG: screw you all!!  
TA: ARE YOU FUCKA22E2 COMIING OR NOT????

 

You, Jade, John, and Rose scurry after Sollux, with Jade delegating a limb per person. Karkat’s main body, meanwhile, is sagging. This guy’s arms and legs won’t feel too great when he regains consciousness. Maybe he’ll grow like a fraction of an inch taller.

The living room has another large teleporter pad in the middle. Sollux leads you all through it with a green zap, and you enter another room. This room is more wareroom-esque like the computer lab, and has four more teleporter pads around it, labeled “N, E, S, W.” You ironically wonder what that stands for. You follow Sollux to the “N”, which definitely doesn’t stand for north. After teleporting, you arrive in a room with 16 teleportializer pads. 

The first 16, from a 12 o’clock point of view when you landed, has zodiac symbols and names over each pad. Aradia, Tavros, Sollux, Karkat, Nepeta, Kanaya, Terezi, Vriska, Equius, Gamzee, Eridan, and Feferi. You don’t recognize most of the names, though you will soon become quite acquainted with all of them in the future. The four after are blank, which you assume are going to be yours. 

 

TA: yeah... iim 2ure you iidiiots can at lea2t fiigure out kk2 pad.  
TA: iill ju2t be takiing aa up to bed and you guy2 ju2t plop kk in hiis recuperacoon.  
TA: oh, and welcome to your three year triip of doom.  
TA: cause iit 2eem2 doubtful that anyone el2e wiill welcome you properly be2iide2 me.

 

With that, Sollux trudges over to Aradia’s teleportalizer, and disappears from sight. You’re gonna need a fucking map of this maze of death. It’s like the first day of school where people get lost, but you didn’t go to the first day of school. You’re simply too cool for school. But this place is the fucking maze of all mazes. You don’t get why everything has to be such a federal fucking issue.

 

The four of you, meanwhile, trudge over to Karkat’s satan circle. You end up in another long hallway. You’re done. You’re fucking done. You just lose it. Ironically lose it, of course. Not like, say, John losing it. <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tNWFpCPZ4VI> whoawhatwasthatlet’smoveon

As you walk, you notice a bunch of chests. What is it with trolls and chests? You’re tempted to stop and open each one, but you have no fucking time for that bullshit. After a fucking ETERNITY you reach sliding doors with a red button next to it that says “open” on it. 

 

> Don’t Push the (Red) Button

 

Yeah, you’re totally pressing it. Where’s the harm?

 

The button goes down and grants access to the fabled Karkat’s room.

 

You dump Karkat in his cocoon thing as he drools and you all examine his room. 

 

Turns out it’s kinda simple, really. Well, not simple, but exactly what you’d expect from Karkat. It’s filled with posters of trashy rom-com movies with trolls instead of humans. There’s also a disc rack and a TV. You decide you’re gonna alchemize a Netflix server for this dump sometime. Disc racks. What is this, the Triassic Age? The room is surprisingly neat and clean. You kinda expected a semi messy room. He also has several drawers around his room, which have books of sorts on them. Some books look suspiciously like porn, but turn out to be more trashy romance novels. One cover is one huge dude... boning?... some other dude, while that dude is boning a girl who has another girl basically draped all over her. Actually, yeah, you're classifing this as porn. Some books are about coding, but you doubt Karkat is able to code. He has sort of a sickle closet filled with multicolored sickles. How much sickles did this guy even make? It’s fucking crazy. You count and give up at 30. There’s like 3 times more sickles there.

 

Karkat also has another computer inside his room. You suppose that’s his personal computer, and the one out there is like a work computer. You open it up and find it to be passcode protected. Dammit.

 

TG: hey people  
TG: get your asses over here  
EB: what is it?  
GG: karkat’s pc?  
TG: yep  
TG: but its password protected  
TG: so a little help  
TT: Are we really going through Karkat’s privacy, Dave?  
GG: yeah... it seems a bit rude :P  
TG: alright stop your bullshitting  
TG: we all know we all want to get our snoop on  
TG: so snoopy we’ll be charlie browns dog and snoop dog at once  
TG: so get your asses over here and help me hack this shit  
EB: well, how can i refuse?   
EB: hehe  
TT: My question was a rhetorical question, and you knew the answer was yes, Dave.  
GG: well... if everyone else is doing it... 

 

Everybody gathers around Karkat’s computer. Karkat, with his eyes rolled back, simmers in his recuperacoon. 

 

TG: ok people lets have a brainstorm session  
TG: this brainstorm is going to be the fucking hurricane sandy of brainstorms  
TG: so lets get cracking  
TT: Try his name.

 

You type in “karkatvantas”. Error, wrong password.

 

EB: karkat can’t possibly be that stupid!  
TG: i agree to disagree  
GG: hehe, how about his birthday?  
TT: Do we even know Karkat’s birthday?  
GG: damn :(  
EB: 123456!

 

You type in “123456.” Failure.

 

TG: ok lets be smart now  
TG: we literally have one more chance  
TG: then were locked out for a minute  
GG: well... not like i have any ideas...   
EB: me neither...   
TT: Me as well.  
TG: jesus fuck you guys need to think  
TG: ok fine im typing in terezis name hows that

 

The decision was unanimous, but Jade looked a bit nervous. What’s there to be nervous about, it’s just a password. Girls are weird, to put it in Egbert-speak.

“t3r3z1pyrop3”. God fucking dammit. Jade’s tension relieves somewhat, while everyone else sighs. Wonder what’s with that girl. Anyway, now you’re locked out for one minute. 

 

A minute later, you try “alterniabound”. Nobody has any idea how they came up with that. Access denied. Now it’s locked for 5 minutes.

 

TG: ok crew what do we do  
TT: Not like we’re going to figure out his password anytime soon.  
GG: yeah, well probably have to trick karkat into doing it later.  
EB: even if we try well get locked out again and forever

 

Suddenly you have a stroke of genius.

 

You all remain in Karkat’s room for another 6 hours.

 

> Karkat: Wake up.

 

You are now Karkat Vantas. And you just recovered from being hit by some hard core pornography. Ugh, you still can’t get over it. You get out of your recuperacoon and clean yourself up. You slip on some jeans and your Cancer shirt. 

You notice your room is kinda disheveled. Oh fuck no. They did not look through your room. GODDAMMIT! Those fucking nooksniffers are gonna fucking get your undiluted, fucking RAGE when you find those asshats. 

Well, at least you’re sure they didn’t get into your computer. Hopefully. Wait.

 

> Check your computer right now.

 

You hesitantly click the mouse to arouse the husktop from sleep mode.

 

HUSKTOP IS DISABLED

TRY AGAIN IN 48 HOURS

 

THOSE FUCKASSES ARE FUCKING DEAD!!!!!!!!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Formatting pesterlogs are such a pain, dammit. Thanks for putting up with the fic, to like the >2 people waiting for a new chapter. really! Thank you!


End file.
